


Winning the Endless War (The Shattered Glass Remix)

by blackbird



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-02
Updated: 2006-04-02
Packaged: 2017-10-16 03:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/168087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackbird/pseuds/blackbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Getting back was the easy part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Winning the Endless War (The Shattered Glass Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Winning The Endless War](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/2614) by poohmusings. 



> Much love to [](http://daera23.livejournal.com/profile)[**daera23**](http://daera23.livejournal.com/) for her betaing and to [](http://musesfool.livejournal.com/profile)[**musesfool**](http://musesfool.livejournal.com/) for organizing the [remix redux](http://remix.illuminatedtext.com/index.php).
> 
> Spoilers up to Kobol's Last Gleaming, part 2 and AU after that

Lee decides it doesn't matter how she returns to the Galactica.

It doesn't matter how long she thought about it before she entered in the coordinates for Caprica. It doesn't matter how many times she saved his ass, not to mention the rest of the frakking fleet. It doesn't matter which way he looks at it, religious quest or not, he still feels the sting of betrayal.

None of that matters. Sitting in sick bay, he's not sure if anything does anymore.

*

The space surrounding Caprica is dark and Helo squints to try and see anything on the tiny, dim computer screen in front of Kara.

"Be right," he hears her say under her breath as she punches in a series of codes. He knows she's eager to get back to Galactica - her impending court martial didn't seem to be dampening her enthusiasm. He's positive they calculated the jump coordinates correctly, but there's always a risk. She tried to argue, to make him back off, but he reminded her she'd taken quite a few blows to the head and was having difficultly focusing. He didn't bother to mention what Sharon said softly to him, that there was no guarantee Galactica was where she'd left it. That the fleet could have come under Cylon attack and been forced to flee before Saint Starbuck could make it back.

Helo knows she doesn't like to focus on that last scenario. But there's a part of him that might be all right with that.

She's still muttering when he feels Sharon's fingers brush his. In the small space, he can see her smile tightly as Kara initiates the FTL sequence, and they all watch the numbers count down on her screen. 'Please, please don't let go as badly as I think it will' becomes the mantra in his head.

The world stills, just for a millisecond, and he closes his eyes. If the coordinates were calculated incorrectly or the fleet has moved on, he can to hold onto his passing notion of him and Sharon on the surface of Kobol, making a life with the child growing inside her. Not the most ideal place, but nothing could be worse than running for their lives on Caprica.

He feels the atmosphere bearing down on his skin, compressing it, as the raider jumps. Helo prays that the gods will give him the strength to do this, that they'll forgive him for still loving her after knowing what the Cylons did to the rest of the human race. And that the Commander will at least give him a chance to explain before throwing Sharon out the airlock.

Then the jump's over and he opens her eyes to see nothing but black. No ships. No vipers. Nothing but an open expanse of darkness.

A traitorous part of him sighs with relief, even as he feels Kara tensing beside him.

Suddenly, he's acutely aware of how claustrophobic it is inside the raider with him scrunched down by her Kara's left leg and Sharon down by her right. She's breathing deep and hard and he knows she's trying to hide her panic and disappointment from him. He starts to speak, so they can decide what to do, the suggestion of Kobol on his tongue as she spins the raider around. At Kara's sharp intake of breath, he blinks and looks out again.

It's large. It's looming. And it looks a lot like the Galactica.

"Yes!" she shouts and he can feel the relief coming off her in waves.

Next to him, he Sharon finally speaks. "Did you do it, Starbuck? Are we there?"

He squeezes her hand one more time before he shimmies himself up to the front of the raider, his shoulder knocking against Kara's shoulder every time he adjusts his position. Although he's torn, he gasps when he sees the ship before them. No matter what else has happened, there's a part of him that sees Galactica as home.

"I never thought I'd be so happy to see that bucket of bolts," he says, his voice barely above a whisper and knowing Kara is thinking the same thing.

"Why, Helo, I never knew you were such a sentimental fool."

He jostles her and she bumps him back and laughter bubbles out of him before he can think too much about it. Kara doesn't ask him to fall back before she calls the Galactica, and he leans into her slightly, just enough so she knows he's got her back as she dials with her fingers tucked under her chin.

*

To say the mood in CIC is tense would be an understatement. This is the worst it's ever been, including running from the Cylons for five straight days. Not to mention that no one can quite look at the center console without cringing.

And then she sees it.

"Colonel, we have Dradis contact. A single Raider, heading straight for us," she calls out and the whole room springs into action.

"Launch the alert fighters and inform the CAP," Tigh barks at her. Her hand goes to dial into the comms, when she hears the static pop in her earpiece.

"Galactica, Starbuck."

Dee thinks she must be dreaming, so she opens the channel to the entire CIC. And then they hear it again.

"Galactica, this is Starbuck. Do you read?"

On the screen in front of her, the CAP is drawing closer and the vipers will be on her in seconds if Tigh doesn't call them off. He nods curtly and she changes channels.

"CAP, this is Galactica. Hold your positions and do not fire. Repeat, hold your positions and do not fire."

She can't help but grin as she answers back to her. "Starbuck, Galactica. We read you loud and clear."

Then, "Gods, Starbuck, is it really you?" she asks, not bothering to hide the awe in her voice.

"Yeah, it's me. You can tell everyone that I ..." No mistaking the pride in her voice, but then Dee hears her falter. "You can tell everyone the mission's accomplished."

There really is no end to what she can do, is there, Dee thinks as she hears Tigh call down to the deck.

"Will do. The portside bay's ready for you. Welcome back, Starbuck."

From across the room, Gaeta catches her eye and winks. Maybe this is a sign that things are going to start looking up. Well, relatively speaking. Her earpiece crackles again.

"Galactica, Starbuck. Permission to speak to Galactica actual."

And just like that, the whole room goes silent again.

"Uh, Starbuck, I'm not sure--"

"C'mon, Dee," Kara says, her voice not quite as casual as she thinks. "I know the old man's pissed at me, but if he heard me out, he'd--"

"Starbuck, get in here and land that frakking raider. That's an order," Tigh barks into the phone before Dee can reply.

"Yes, sir," Starbuck retorts and then she's gone.

The CAP chatter is buzzing in her ear again and she wonders if there's a chance the Gods haven't abandoned them after all.

*

"No! Stop! She's with me!"

"Stand down! Stand the frak down!"

He's almost to the door when he hears the shouting. For frak's sake, she just got back, how much trouble can she already be causing? The deck crew seems to be surrounding her and Agathon, wrenches, pipes, and other heavy objects in their hands. It looks like Starbuck is drawing her weapon, shielding something or someone behind her. Gods, he needs a drink. This was about the last thing he needs, on top of every-frakking-thing else.

"What the frak is going on in here?" he asks with a roll of his eyes as Starbuck snaps to attention. "Picking fights already, Starbuck?" It drips with sarcasm, but he just can't be bothered to care.

But before she has a chance to respond, a Marine grabs his arm and nods toward whatever she's hiding. "The Cylon who shot Commander Adama. Here's another one, sir." Starbuck takes a half step and Tigh can't control the look on his face when he sees her. Another one and in his mind's eye, he sees Bill through that plastic curtain in sick bay.

Agathon takes a step over, shielding that thing from his view and says, "She's with me, sir. She's...pregnant. With my child."

The crowd behind him gasps and falls silent. If this were another moment, he might think that was funny. But all he can do is look to Starbuck for confirmation. At her nod, he feels a wave of nausea wash over him. "Dear gods," he mutters, his shoulders slumping forward as he scrubs his face with his hands. What the hell else could go wrong today?

He makes a decision, tries to take back control of the situation and draws his own weapon.

"To the sick bay," he orders, gesturing towards the doorway with the muzzle. "Gregson, Mallory, Chiu, Jeffries. Escort our recent arrivals to Doc Cottle."

"Sir, you don't--" Agathon begins to protest, but he's shuts up with one glare. If only Starbuck was going to be that easy.

"Don't test my kindness, Lieutenant," he warns. "You're lucky I'm not sending you directly to the brig. Now, go."

"Yes, sir," he mumbles.

Before the Marines can get Agathon and his toaster out the door, Starbuck is at his back, shooting her mouth off.

"Sir, what did Clyne mean when he said a Cylon had shot Commander Adama?"

"I thought I told you to go to the sick bay, Lieutenant."

"Yes, you did, but I want to know what--"

He stops walking and swivels around abruptly, getting right in her face. "A lot of has happened since you chose to leave, Starbuck. Your decision had repercussions and that's something you're going to have to learn to live with."

Turning back, he goes and doesn't give her the satisfaction of getting the last word.

*

Later on, she's in the head when Starbuck corners her.

"Dee, what happened to the commander?"

Gods, she does not want to be the one to tell Starbuck. The nightmares are bad enough without having to relive them.

"Starbuck, I don't--"

"What the frak happened? I need to know."

"I--" She breaks off, shaking her head and looking down at the floor. "It all happened so fast."

"But what happened?"

The lip of the sink is cool under her hand and she curls her fingers around it, to keep herself anchored.

"We were celebrating. The commander was congratulating Boomer and Racetrack for blowing up the base star. We thought we were in the clear. And the commander reached out to ... I don't know. Probably to shake Boomer's hand. Maybe even to hug her. But then she-- Oh, gods."

It's still all so clear, like it happened a few minutes ago, not a few days ago. She covers her mouth with her right hand and when she finally can meet Starbuck's eyes, she can see her gasping for breath too.

"She shot him. Boomer shot him. She just pulled her gun out and shot him. People started yelling. I think someone tackled Boomer. And the commander, he-- He fell back. He never made a sound. He just fell back, and the blood ... Frak, Starbuck, there was so much blood."

Kara turns, walks away and Dee barely makes it to the toilet before she throws up.

*

She's walked past four times in the last twenty minutes, pausing outside the hatch each time before continuing down the corridor. Lee is about to open the door all the way and confront her when he sees Tigh intercept her at the end of the passageway. It's quiet enough that their voices carry right down to him.

"Have you seen the old man?" he asks. His coat is rumpled, and Lee wouldn't be surprised if he's been sleeping in his uniform; the top button is also undone, and the unfastened flap bobs up and down as he fumbles with the folders in his hands. He hopes Tigh hasn't been drinking, and if he has that he's smart enough to hide it from the crew.

"Yes," she lies cleanly.

He nods curtly and looks over her shoulder at the sound of laughter coming from the direction of the deck. "He's strong. He'll be back on his feet in no time." Lee can't help wondering which of them he's trying to convince, Kara or himself.

Kara agrees with an unintelligible murmur and Lee smiles a little at the way she tries to extract herself from the XO's company by pointing in the general direction from which he came. Tigh, however, doesn't appear to notice. He straightens his spine and makes sure Kara is looking him in the eye before he speaks again.

"I know I was rough on you when you got back today, but..." He stops himself and purses his lips. From his vantage point, Lee can't see that look, cold with disappointment, but he can still feel it. "The truth is, Starbuck, you deserved it. What you did? Abandoning your duties? Believing some crazy schoolteacher's ideas? That was incredibly stupid. Even for you."

His hand is on the door, ready to go out and break it up when Kara takes a swing at him, but she does nothing, just nods and Lee can see her jaw is clenched.

"And you may think," he hears Tigh continue, "that the old man would've been proud of you for what you accomplished, but he wouldn't have. He would've thrown you in the brig for insubordination and grand larceny. That you can be sure of."

Not entirely true, Lee thinks as Kara flexes her hands inward, letting her nails dig into palms like she always does when she's trying to hold herself back. They stand there staring and he knows Tigh must be thrown by her muted response. Lee counts the seconds ticking by and when she remains at attention with her mouth shut, Tigh exhales and looks away, no doubt let down that she didn't give him cause to throw her in the brig himself. He exhales too, knowing he won't have to bail her out of hack on top of everything else. Tigh clears his throat before speaking again.

"Due to the current situation, I've placed Captain Adama on temporary leave." Lee bristles, but isn't surprised. He knows he's lucky Kara's not bailing him out of hack either after Colonial One.

"He doesn't know I've known done this yet, but I'm sure he'll agree we don't have his full attention. With him out of commission, that leaves you as the new CAG. Gods help us," he adds, the sneer evident from even this distance. "Think you're up for the job? The old man always said you'd make a good CAG someday. Not that I've ever believed that."

The fact that Kara can ignore the swipes at her ego is impressive, considering. "It would be an honor," she says, almost hiding the tremble in her voice. Almost, but not quite.

"Don't prove the old man wrong, Lieutenant," Tigh growls and she nods again. This humble, taking orders from Tigh, Kara is starting to worry him.

"Yes, sir."

With a cuff to her left shoulder that leaves her slightly off-balance, Tigh abandons her. She leans over, hands on her knees, taking deep breaths. He wants to go and get her, but Lee knows she needs to make the first move. So he steps away from the hatch and goes back to his father's side.

*

It's the only thing that's given her hope in days.

Kara's back. Kara is back from Caprica and she knows that if she can just get her to listen, maybe this will be okay. Because she's pretty frakking sure she'd give anything to make it right.

The Marines that have been guarding her have been restless, going in and out all day and now she knows they asked Kara to "talk" to her. She has no delusion about what they think "talking" is. After what happened with Leoben, she knows why they think Kara will be able to get something out of her.

"She just sits there, Lieutenant! She won't say anything. She won't answer our questions. All she does is cry and say she doesn't know anything but that she's sorry. What do you think we should do?"

That's Marks. He's young and still has a sense of decency, not like some of them. She's pretty sure he waited 'til Kara has at least been back to her rack to shower and change. The last Marine that went to find her came back with split lip. Seems he busted in on her in the head and Kara wasn't happy about it.

The image of Kara punching a Marine is the first thing that's made her smile since they threw her in here.

"Lieutenant?"

She can almost see the look Kara must be giving the Marine, the Starbuck face that made lesser men fidget and fumble under her stare.

"She won't talk?" she hears Kara asks, her tone brusque.

"Yes. I mean, no. I mean, she won't answer our questions," he stammers.

"Well then, let's give her something to talk to."

That wasn't what she was expecting and she racks her brain trying to imagine who Kara's bringing back to her. Maybe it's the Commander. If he was able to be up and around already, then things can't be as bad as all that.

Footsteps are coming back down the hall, and she takes a minute to prepare herself to see her friend again.

The second she sees Kara, she's on her feet.

"Starbuck, Kara, thank gods you're here. You have to help me. I don't know what happened. I swear. Something inside me-- I didn't mean to hurt the commander. I don't even remember doing it. Is he okay? They won't tell me anything about him. Is he--"

Kara throws up her hand and she stops talking. "Since you can't seem to remember what we want to know, maybe this'll help jog your memory." Reaching behind her, Kara shoves someone else toward the bars.

Another copy of herself.

One of them utters a soft gasp -- Sharon can't tell if it's her or her double on the other side of the bars -- as they stare at each other.

Everything inside her dies a little and she wants to beg for forgiveness and mercy. The look on Kara's face is killing her and suddenly, a million memories shuffle through her head.

 _"Starbuck, can I tell you a secret?" "Is this about the chief? Because we all kind of already know." "Frak, are we really that obvious?" "Don't worry about it, Sharon. It's sweet. But ..." "What?" "Sharon and Galen, sitting in a tree." "That's not funny, Starbuck." "K-I-S-S-I--" "Kara!"_

Sharon can still hear their laughter and it takes everything within her to keep herself from flinching back from the razor sharp pain. And she wonders if her double (triple, quadruple, who knows?) can feel it too.

 _"Have you ever been in love, Kara?" "Gods, we are not going to have this dis--" "Just answer the question." "No, I'm not-- I don't know. Maybe. Once." "I think I might be." "Really? Well, that ... that's cool, Sharon. Just be careful, okay? Love can hurt you like nothing else. Trust me."_

Finally, she has to look away. It's too much.

"I'm sorry, Starbuck," she whispers, the grief written all over her face. "You have to believe me."

"No!" The word explodes from Kara's chest and she's rushing the bars, wrapping her fingers around the steel and pulling as is she could tear the bars out with her bare hands. Sharon scrambles back a few steps and flinches at the venom in her friend's voice.

"I don't have to believe you," Kara hisses, and Sharon can feel her heart pounding so hard, it might burst. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Kara was supposed to believe her, help her.

"And you want to know why? You're not human. You don't get to ask for forgiveness. You don't get my sympathy. You're nothing and I'll kill you myself. I'll kill you, Sharon. I'll--"

There are tears running down her face as one of the Marines pulls Kara back from the bars.

"Lieutenant!"

Kara yanks her shoulders out of the Marine's hands and stalks out of the brig without looking back at her. It's over now, she knows it. Kara was her last chance.

Her double catches her eye one more time before they march her out of the brig and as the door slams shut, Sharon drops to the floor, crying and wishing for the first time she really was only a machine.

*

It's midway through the third shift when Lee realizes how impossible it is to sleep comfortably in a chair. He's been shifting and squirming for what must be hours. Cottle offered him a bed, but he didn't want to be too far away, just in case. Out of respect to the commander's rank or Lee's privacy, the main section of the sick bay has been emptied for the sole use of the Adamas.  
He glances at the hatch and sighs.

Being CAG meant having an overabundance of duties and he found out the hard way how true that was. He wasn't used to just sitting on his hands and waiting for something to happen. It was frustrating as all hell, but what could he do? Tigh had called to inform of his leave and pretended to consult with him about Kara. Later on, he'd called again to let Lee know he pulled Kara out of Viper before she could lead a CAP. Lee pretended to argue, but he knew Tigh had made the right call. Kara probably hadn't slept more than a few hours since she'd come back and was likely still run down from her limited exposure to the radiation on Caprica. It was all part of her classic avoidance technique. Run, run, run until you collapse.

Which is why he wants to laugh when she finally shows her face in sickbay.

She's slick with sweat, tanks stuck to her back and hair in a messy ponytail. He guesses she's made at least four laps around the ship working up her nerve and she probably stalled just outside the sick bay, bent at the waist, her palms pressed against her thighs and struggling to catch her breath.

The hatch clangs shut and her footsteps are like strikes of lightning, but he doesn't open his eyes right away. She hesitates and he doesn't need to look at her to know what she's thinking -- that she abandoned those who consistently believed in her, consistently forgave her, and consistently loved her. And can they, can **he** forgive her?

Finally, she steps closer and as the commander's face comes into view, she chokes down a gasp. It's raw and he knows how she feels.

The bed sheet has been pulled up to his chin and he's pale, so pale. He's sleeping, but it's so sound, so deep, at first glance you can't be sure. The need to grip his shoulders and shake him hard is palpable. And for the first time, he feels like there's someone else that really understands. And his father just lies there, still and silent.

"Hey," he says, his voice raspy from the yelling and lack of use and he squints at her before rubbing his eyes with the butts of his hands. Her shoulders drop a little and he sees a little of the tension she's been holding bleed away.

"Heard you were back."

He's still shaking off the tinge of half-sleep as he watches her nod. There's something she's holding back, like she doesn't quite trust what would come out of her mouth if she tried to speak to him. He arches an eyebrow at her, but he's not going to push her.

"Also heard you found Helo, with a toaster attached. Was it hard getting back with them in tow? Run into any trouble?"

"It doesn't matter," she says, her voice hushed. If he didn't know her so well, he might even say it was reverent.

"Kara--"

She throws him a swift glare and he swallows the rest of his sentence, but he returns the glare and raises her an eye roll for good measure. She's wallowing in self-pity and they both know it. He wants to tell her to knock it off. But he doesn't.

"He's going to be fine. The bullets didn't-- Doc Cottle said the main thing he needed was blood transfusions, which he got," he says, his tone patient. Her mouth opens to ask and he flashes the white bandage wrapped around the middle of his arm. She pales at the sight and he sees the fear and regret pass through her eyes.

"I should go," she says softly, staring at the floor.

A part of him wants to let her go, let her run again. But he's tired and it'd be nice to share the burden with someone else for a while. So, he hooks his foot around the leg of an empty chair and shoves it toward her.

"Here. If you're going to stick around, Kara, you might as well have a seat."  
He smiles a little at her and the defenses start to snap into the place on her face. This, he doesn't feel up to right now.

"Lee, I--"

"Just sit down, okay?" he snaps. "So you screwed up. Big deal. Wait until I tell you what I was doing while you were gone. Anyway, I want you here and he does too."

"I frakked up," she says and he doesn't know if she's talking to him or to his father. But it doesn't really matter.

"We all did," he says solemnly. "It's what makes us human."

He reaches his hand out and catches her wrist and pulls her down.

"Just sit, okay?"

Her skin is warm in his hand and for the first time since this whole frakking disaster started, he's calm. No yelling, no running, no fighting. It's just him, alone with his regrets and two of the only people left in the world that he considers family.

With the future an unknown and humanity on the brink of extinction, maybe some things still mattered after all. Maybe some things always would.

*  



End file.
